“Just one question, why’d you do it??”
Its been a question that is in my mind constantly haunting me of my sleep. That’s the question that I wanted to ask my cousin brother who committed suicide in July this year. I mean there wasn’t any note or any reason. I just want to know what lead him there. I wasn’t that close to him but well it’s just I have alot of memories that reminds me of him sometimes. The reason I want to know the answer to my question is because I want to know what came to his mind that was so heavy that he couldn’t handle it. In short what kind of thoughts were in his mind.
The people reading this might be wondering why am I saying stuff like that. Its simple actually. I have been struck with this question in my life – ‘What is life worth living for??’ It’s has been on my mind since last year and I have been trying to figure something out but I’ve had no luck so far. I mean I thought I had the answers but apparently I was wrong. I thought that life is about Love or Dreams or Hope or Happiness or Memories. Well I was wrong. I now think that it’s just about shit, nothing more. There’s too much compromising, too much suffocating, too much hiding and too much waiting. So what good does that do. It’s just bunch of boohaki. Life filled with regrets and downs that no matter what you do you can’t change. Time always is more than one step ahead of you, there’s always something to hold you back, there’s always that fear of the future and whatnot. Honestly life sucks and there’s no denying that. Yeah I mean sometimes for some people life is good but not everyone feels the same. It’s like you might have to compromise in whatever you are getting in your life or want in your life. You know people say that you shouldn’t expect things in your life but you know what let’s face the truth here Life is itself consisting of expectations. If you are living then you are expecting. It might not be the greatest or the biggest things but it also includes the smallest of them.
If you want examples I’ll give it to you. The first example is how we compromise. Do you know the reason that people date? It’s kind of a compromise because well if you see the movie ‘She’s Out Of My League’ then you’ll see how the protagonist thinks of himself in the scene where he is bowling. It’s like there’s no love or anything it’s just a myth that we want to believe is true. People go for arrange marriages in India is a very very good example of compromise. If you don’t believe me ask any woman that’s been married. Do you want an example for hope? Here it goes, when you are living your life there’s always something that you are told from a time you are a kid. It’s always told ‘don’t loose hope’. What an interesting way to say keep on believing something that may or may not happen. There are people who star believing that there life like a worthless shit by waking up late everyday, Not bathing, not eating much or eating too much, not caring about anything and worst come to worst doing what my cousin brother did sometimes. So where is the hope that you said was there? Dreams anybody? People have dreams and they are important to them believe me I know. It happens such that not everyone can fulfill their dreams. Sometimes those dreams are crushed while they are just kids or sometimes they never even have a chance to dream, sometimes it also happens that the kid grows up thinking that maybe his dream will come true someday and is heartbroken when he/she finds out that it can’t happen due to many different reasons. Memories are meant to be made so that you can look back at them and have these feelings of joy and happiness and peace but instead the happy memories somehow truns sad. It happens believe me. I say this all by experience.
Our lives are made on this false hope where we just believe that everything that out there in the world is real. If we looked far in the depth of everything you’ll see that nothing is real and that they are all lies so that we can complete the circle of life and move on. There is no purpose in life. We run in circles and I say so because well my dad has his responsibilities and he has lived his life a certain way and now he wants me to live it that way and then put his responsibilities on my head and move one. We all study so that we could land a job that could lead us to future where we get married, buy a house, buy a car, start a family and then do a routine of getting up every day, going to the job, coming home at night, dinner and then sleep. This mostly happens in my country(no offence). I mean we have these dreams but sometimes we can’t fulfill them so we have to make a compromise and settle down the way I explained it to you earlier. We keep on hoping that someday we might get that chance to fulfill that dream but it never happens. There isn’t anything we can do. Time is so far ahead that it feels like it’s too late and sometimes it is true. We say all these positive things like there’s always a silver lining to everything or things happen for a reason or that time shouldn’t matter but it’s all fake. I believe there is no silver lining whatsoever.
People I am so sorry to be this negative today but sometimes the truth hurts and the truth is that it’s been sometime now that I don’t believe in any of these things. I mean I do want to believe in them but it’s just so hard to do so once you’ve seen what life does to you. I remember once there was a boy who was full of positivity and joy and who believed in everything. He wanted to live a life to its fullest. Make every second count. Make so many memories. Love everyone and make everyone happy around him all the time. Time made him go all the way to the opposite and now that’s kid is gone. That’s what I am taking about.
The question that I wanted to ask my cousin brother as mentioned above was because what did he think about the worthiness of his life. Did he think that he was worthless or his life was worthlessness? Did he think that his life was a failure and that he couldn’t do anything that might set things right for him? Did he think that there’s nothing that he could do at all? What was the question in his mind that answered as a “no there isn’t” ? You know the reason that I have been talking like this is because well sometimes it feels that I understand why people do that shit. I mean it’s not the right thing to do but to think about it if nobody keeps them feeding the false hope then that’s what the results turn out to be. The thing is sometimes it’s hard to move on and it might take a really long time to do so. I mean sometimes people say that fight that thing and stand up to do something but to be honest that’s not an easy thing. It’s not that easy to fight your demons and stand up on our feet to move on. The people who say these things to the others should also consider this. Remember that you are the one who is being a support to the other person and it may take some time but don’t give up on that person or say that he’s worthless or a coward. I have said it so many times before that not everyone is the same. It’s true that people do loose hope but hold on to your life because you need to see what can happen in the end. We might not have any hope but until we have the breath in our lungs we should wait and keep on waiting till it runs out naturally because sometimes maybe I don’t know waiting takes you all the way through your life. I might not have the answer but I intend to keep on waiting and experiencing life because it’s all that some of can do. Our purpose might just be that. The waiting and observing.
All pictures are taken from Pinterest.
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