Hi again. Did you ever get stressed out about your life?? I know it’s a stupid question for me to ask because everyone does. I am asking this question because there are moments in your life when it feels like the level of that stress has rocketed through the sky and reached another galaxy.
I know how that feels. I know it due to many reasons, if I am being honest. I am not exaggerating anything today here. Whatever there is going to be written in today’s blog is real. It’s kinda about my own life experience. I was/am feeling depressed all the time. I say it because well yesterday was a mess. The whole day I felt that I was gonna burst into tears at any moment. The reason for that was not that quite big though. The reason was because all the memories I had came to me at once and it felt horrible.
In my country we have this festival called Holi and it happened yesterday. It’s a festival of saying goodbye to the winter and welcoming summer season. Yesterday I felt we (as in my family) didn’t do much. I woke up real late, as did my sister, and we just spent the day sitting in our own rooms the whole day. I didn’t talk at all to anyone yesterday. It was because the thought that came to me about my past experience of this day. Every year people enjoy this festival by applying various colours to each other’s faces and also play with some water. We did do that in our past and after some point we thought what a terrible way to waste water and the colours. We stopped playing Holi when we grew up. Yet in our of building where we used to live people still visited our house to apply colours to our faces. I saw that we used to laugh at that. I felt like a happy memory. When I thought about that memory it made me sad. I thought that it was a fake smile, fake laughs that I used to show people (the time when I stopped playing Holi). The family that we were doesn’t exist anymore. That was the thought in my head. It was every other day there was since I started to make a change in our house or should I say the day that I started to change. I still remember that day it was not long ago, it was the 27th of December 2018. That day it hit me that it’s been four – five years since I had a plan to be at a position in my life where I wasn’t today. The disappointment took over me. The feeling of anger, sadness devastation came over to me and made me realise that I was unsuccessful in creating my future the way I wanted to do. Now I used to blame people around me for that situation to be like this but I knew deep down that it was all me. The mistakes that were caused were because of the old me. So I decided to kill that old me and create a new me who doesn’t get distracted and focuses on what knows will make him feel satisfied with his life. Now don’t get me wrong but I know that life isn’t just about that, but for some people happiness is in different things. People feel happiness and satisfaction doing various things that they think is right and it is true. If a guy finds happiness by sitting in a chair whole day without doing anything then it is his happiness. If a girl finds happiness drawing various kind of art that is her happiness. If a person finds his happiness in his family then that is his happiness.
The point is that when I realised what my happiness was I felt I was too late for that. All my life until the moment of that day I previously mentioned I tried to find my happiness. I couldn’t back then. I was busy making the people around me happy without noticing that it wasn’t mine, but it was there’s. I know that I can’t say that it was there happiness either because well I don’t know what makes them happy. I just wanted to make everyone happy that’s all. The real reason for that was because I was afraid of the one thing everyone is afraid of and that is the end. I just wanted to make every moment of everyone’s life around me be so amazing that there wouldn’t be a need of the end (or so I believed because I was a dumb kid who used to believe that if you want something so bad that it will happen). As time passed away I realised it doesn’t work that way. The reason that I am writing it is because just when I worte the blog Was it Mindfulness??Was it mindfulness? I talked about that problem that I had of biting my nails so badly that I used to make my fingers bleed sometimes. I used to do so because I thought that maybe doing so will make everything better. My mom knows whenever I start biting my nails way too often that something is wrong and I am in a stressful situation. It happened again just yesterday. I started biting my nails way to much and it freaked me out. I don’t want to bite my nails but I couldn’t help it the fingers just were under my teeth and after sometime I used to realise what I was doing and take them back out.
This all started because of the day to day things happening in my life recently. I read a question and answer content on Quora the question was I am 22 and I feel like I shouldn’t exit, is it right? Well I know that I shouldn’t search this kind of a thing but well I did and a beautiful answers was written by a lady whose name I can’t quite remember. She stated
that it usually happens when you are about to graduate or in the last year of your college and it feels like you have achieved nothing because of your past and the fear of the future that is going to arrive makes you think so.
It was a good answer because it was somewhat true. It also continued as
It also happens because you don’t know what you were doing so far and now you have realised that this isn’t what you wanted to do with your life because this will lead you to do something that will stick with you for your whole life.
I believe what she was trying to tell is that if you don’t like what you are doing that is probably the reason why we feel this way now. For me I knew that this was my last year of college and that I wasn’t doing something that I wanted to do in the first place as this was just supposed to be a support to what I wanted to do originally. Yet I didn’t focus on the original thing and got too busy in this thing itself. The daily college routine and the projects, assignments, the fear of the teachers. I say the fear of the teachers because well in my college (which I won’t name by the way) some teachers are so mean that they don’t ask any reasons or explain politely about our mistakes (committed for the first time) or understand what the student may be going through. In fact our college don’t even have a counselor who would understand a student or talk to him and be a bridge between the teachers, students and parents. You see sometimes students can’t talk to the teachers directly because they are afraid of what the teacher might think. They can’t talk to their parents because well they don’t want to upset them and also protect them from disappointment. A counselor acts as a bridge as a student if brought into confidentiality then he/she might express their thoughts resulting in a good environment and health of the student. In our college it’s not like that. Our teachers don’t understand if a person is going through some things such as depression, anxiety, fear of able to speak up or anything else. They just assume that everyone is the same. I say to all those teachers and professors out there everyone isn’t the same,we might be similar but not the same.
I have been going through some shit of my own as explained above and I can’t talk to people that often. I fear of talking to people as because I don’t trust anyone that I feel may leak my information or just think that I am weird or stupid. I don’t express my feelings that easily to anyone but if a person shows even a little bit of support I act freely with them. This professor that I have (won’t name him either) thinks I act over smart even when I don’t talk. I might have not attended his lectures at first because well his lectures started in December and I had chicken pox the whole December (yeah it happened that late). That time I was alone with my thoughts and as I wasted a whole month doing nothing and I realised everything about what I wanted and what I was doing and about my life.
You see I am writing this here but I still am afraid that people may think that I am stupid and weird but well maybe I am and I don’t know. I just am saying this because I am having a terrible time lately. The professor I mentioned earlier is also the guide to my project (100 marks research work) and he says that I didn’t meet him often and asked him anything about my project and that now I didn’t attend his lectures he is not going to sign on the project. The truth is I missed his first meeting (which I wasn’t aware of till when he informed me himself after I contacted him through WhatsApp). There is a group of students who are under his guidance and mostly the ones who are there are some selfish and overconfident students who act as they are the guides of the projects. I don’t know why am I writing this seriously. But the point is they don’t understand each other or support each other and it hurts when a professor himself treats like he has something against you. I literally want to quit my college right now but because it’s my last year I am holding on and also because of some of my friends support me I am yet standing. This college has given me a really hard time from the start but I promised myself when I took this up that I won’t quit this time until I am done with this thing. So I am still here. It wasn’t just me who felt that way some of my friends did too but we still stayed strong.
I have a phrase of myself as I say or believe that is
If you don’t know, then don’t assume shit.
I believe that if a person doesn’t know what is happening with someone else’s life don’t assume something. It is because you will treat him the way that you would think is right, not keeping in mind that the reason may be different for that person to act that way. I say to everyone out there hold on and get it through. Don’t assume what a person is going through because it creates doubt in your mind and if there’s a doubt then it just will ruin everything for both of you. To the professors out there listen to you student and be supportive, understand his/her feelings. Everybody is not the same. I say it here because I can’t say it out there to the real person, no-one can because of the fear. I say why can’t we live in a world without fear and hate. I say parents and the elder ones , the teachers and professors act friendly towards the young ones because it’s you who are creating the new generation of the world. You are shaping the world and if you do it wrong then the world is going to be disturbed later. I say don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t need sympathy as to be honest, I just need the support of every one out there to know how to act with each and every person. I say it over and over again that everyone isn’t the same and it’s true so be it that way. Support each other. You don’t know how much it hurts when it feels like you are alone and no one there to support you. I say it with experience.
I have a strong will and I take my anger, disappointment, sadness, devastation and convert it into my motivation to stand strong and move ahead. I may feel down the whole time but I won’t give up. When I have the happiness of my own I will be happy and if I am happy then my surroundings will be happy. It is because as I said in some of my previous blogs that if you are happy then your surroundings are happy. Today’s blog had not just one point to be taken into consideration but there were a lot to learn from. We should understand each other. We should help ecah other. Find your happiness so everyone around you will be happy. Don’t give up. The professors understand your students, don’t just assume that the behaviour of a person is because of something that you don’t even know but have assumed, don’t think I am weird or stupid, don’t think anyone is weird or stupid, don’t stop believing, don’t bother. There was a lot more to write but well I have to go work on my project. So keep this in mind people. I know it’s way to personal but I know the people that I am talking about wouldn’t know this and that it will atleast help others who might have gone through some similar situations would understand that we are not alone. I am focused now and I won’t give up this time the way I did before 4-5 years. I won’t fall back just because the people I usually around with don’t support me or assume something shit about me. The one who used to overthink is not there anymore yet sometimes he shows up but I comfort him by talking to him about our aim on life and that’s how I will rise (that’s what I believe or would work hard for).
That’s it for today just remember everyone isn’t the same. Support each other. Understand don’t assume……..
All pictures are taken from Pinterest
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